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Secrets and Lies

Often you're told stuff about flying that sounds insane. Other things sound more plausible. What's consistent is the inconsistency. You don't need to know this stuff, right? You're only a civilised, educated human who's probably worked it all out anyway...

Well, regardless, here's a short myth busting guide as to what the hell is going on in the sky. From me to you, Kind Passenger.

What's Up?
My pilot is unnecessary and will read his own palm and listen to jazz as the plane flies itself.

What's Really, Truly Up?
Take off is manual. And so are loads of landings. The pilot tells the computer who tells the plane what to do. Without the pilot, Otto-pilot would be inert. And the plane wouldn't go anywhere.

What's Up?
My airline food tastes of salt and nonsense.

What's Really, Truly Up?
In the cabin your nose dries out and numbs a third of your taste buds. So they will add anything: zombie dust, punk moves, crunchy kerb juice* just to make you aware the thing in your mouth is food and not the inflight magazine or the steward's tie.

What's Up?
Water on planes will make you barf.

What's Really, Truly Up?
If you're unlucky, yes. Some tanks have bacteria in them. Solve this by drinking gin. Or another less ubiquitous alcohol genre of your choosing.

What's Up?
You will get smashed faster on less booze, and therefore will be served less in case you start drooling aggression.

What's Really, Truly Up?
BS. Blood alcohol level doesn't increase in the air. It's the general lack of oxygen flying around making your mind wonk, not the Bloody Mary in front of you, so drink up.

What's Up?
The brace position breaks your neck on impact, making death quicker and less crappy.

What's Really, Truly Up?
Numerous tests have proven it protects your head from flying objects (including other passengers who haven't adopted it). It also stops your arms from flailing and fingers from breaking and gives you a better chance of surviving and being a talking head on the news later that day.

What's Up?
There's a hole in the plane. Ugh, everyone is about to get sucked out.

What's Really, Truly Up?
This is the fault of cinema and films. Unless you are right on top of it, it or you stick your face in it like a gin-soaked lunatic, you wont get sucked out. Sit tight, and do the brace - you're probably in for a crash landing.

* Not exactly.

Ghost Planes

Oh my heart.

The Boneyard Project, Arizona. Art on abandoned planes. The marrying of two things I totally love. I really don't think there's any greater thing. Little ghost planes being given a new purpose. I think there's a breeze near my eyes or something...














I can't tell you how much I'd like to acquire one of these to paint. The epic scale and scope of what you could do. It's the ultimate blank canvas. But, hey ...

... with a little drive,  surely anything's possible.

http://www.amusingplanet.com/2013/01/the-boneyard-project-art-on-abandoned.html

Wake Turbulence

Remember this?

Ah, JC. And the other one.

Who used to be orange.

Secrets and Dreams

At some point in my hazy life-memory, Secret Cinema founder, curator and general wizard Fabien Riggall might have suggested the possibility of Secret Airlines. He said this: 'maybe, one day, Secret airlines...' 

'Maybe, one day, Secret airlines...' 

'Maybe, one day, Secret airlines...' 

...

He cannot use the word maybe in this context. Because, this whole concept is music to my ears. I feel certain I also read, sometime ago, that he had vague plans to do a whole foreign flight-travel-mystery thing under the Secret Cinema banner, which would involve blindly boarding a plane and being sent...somewhere.

The whole thing fuels my lovephobia of flying; my weird enjoy-hatred of being 35,000 up and all that comes with it, physically, mentally, historically, aesthetically and everything in between. The bells and whistles of the jet stream, stuff I can't even begin to articulate in text, plus a world of make believe. And doesn't flying feel like make believe at the best of times. Secret Cinema and aviation would be very comfortable bed fellows. A cinematic, ozone-sphere fiction-scape which would give someone like me Christmas, birthdays, best days and high times all wrapped up in a strange, real time, parcel.

If this conceptualisation became reality and I did it in any capacity, I'm not sure what could happen. Maybe my head would pop. Maybe my blood pressure would drop like a stone off a high dive. Maybe, I'd have to crouch down and have a little happy eye-spill. But it would quite literally be The Best.

For the most part I have complicated and exhausting dreams. The only good one lately was that I was in a Secret Cinema scenario, my subconscious curating each 'scene,' running, racing, hiding and trying to make sense of shit. A montage of sounds, people, things to hide from, things to get away with, and things never seen before to relish. I could have stayed there. Which is why illusions as close to that in real life, are almost as exquisite. But the secret flying idea I'm pretty sure I couldn't have dreamt that up. To be on a plane, to look out the window and not know of the glistening cities below or where their roads lead - oh man. To be given a character with clear parameters but no clear destination. Brilliance! To have a plane interior specifically made and moulded for this particular mystery spree? YES! Imagine the safety cards, the in-flight magazine, even the SICK bags would be fictional and fanciful. Maybe even your motion sickness would be themed. Perhaps you'd spew the 1940s? All Spam, rations, hope and utility clothes regulations ...

To get your passport and simply trust would be amazing. Why not? What else is going to happen?

The only better step would be full immersion. 'Emergency exits are here, here and ... in the back of your mind.' (Realistically I can't fly the plane unfortunately, despite studying the relevant chapter in the Worst Case Scenario handbook). 

If the real world is too tiring, why not grab as much make believe in as many areas as possible? With each well of unreal to tumble into, the time spent dealing with constraints of reality would just get less and less, until you could hop from fiction to fiction like stepping stones. 

Just as long as air traffic control know what's going on, then we're GOOD to go...

*enpundit.com, Rafael Guerrero.