Tupolev-144 was Russia's entry into the Miss Concorde-a-like Pageant.
So like England v Germany in the 1990 World Cup and Oasis versus Blur in the Britpop glory days of 199smemething, the gloves were off.
And then back on. So keen was the USSR to rush the sonic Tupolev out the same year (they actually trumped Conc by three months) they forgot to make it any good. It looked fairly similar in silhouette to Concorde and retro magnifique within (fruity oranges and brown swirls baby) but it was a liability from start to end. It's nose dive crash at the Paris air show in 1973 was pretty much a PR apocalypse.
Tupolev kept getting parts added onto it. Much like the popular 80s Rotastak hamster accommodation (which FYI is totally pimped these days - galactic space stations and castles - who knew? Check out the high end rodent real estate selection here. Palatial digs or what. Give me five, Snuffle-Crunch.)
Except in this instance it was less about Cricetinae interior design and more about off setting outrageous safety issues.
Shortly after it's birth, the TU-144 sprouted canards (puppy like ear flaps) at the front as it was unstable. It's breaks weren't as good as Concorde so it had a 'breaking parachute' added (essentially a massive pair of bloomers which burst out of it's ass). It also had to have replacement engines and it's structure was a crack's delight. It was basically like a fleet of flying split ends.
Blooming hell.
Major Clanger and Tupolev were often swapped without passengers noticing a thing...
The result was a quirky looking thing. Both delightfully cute and creepy. But the crux was, it was mostly crap. Serious failures were more common than coughs. On one flight in 1978, the plane suffered 22 failures out of a possible 24. But took off anyway to 'avoid embarrassment.' What? Exactly. That's like me going to work despite having a face fracture and a highly contagious medieval fever.
According first hand accounts, the Shit-Something's-Wrong siren blared on board that craft for the whole 75 minute flight. The captain responded by attempting to mute it with a passenger pillow (he then used forks from first class as evacuation slides, strong coffee as wing glue, and a window blind as a surfboard). Luckily (not as predicted) all the landing gear extended and the plane landed without killing anyone. Happy holidays!
The Tupolev was such a worry, even national carrier Aeroflot gave it a wide berth, choosing not to incorporate it into their future planning. Ever.
That's like disappointing your parents.
Most passengers hated it too because it was ridiculously noisy. When the engines, air con and cooling system cranked into life, they combined to make a noise so obstreperous, passengers just two seats apart had to pass written notes to one another.
Sample:
'Yo, this is noisy, Sergei, isn't it?'
'Sorry, I can't hear you. Hahaha. Aah...'
An entire redesign would have taken too much time for the TU-144. Tweaks were made but essentially the whole infrastructure was busted from the beginning. If only they'd ironed out problems at the top, the end product could have been okay. It's much like attempting a good nights sleep on a full bladder. By 4am you're fucked, tired and wish you'd peed at midnight. But now it's far too late to get that glorious eight hours...
Tupolev's inaugural flight was like a D-list celebrity trying to put a shoe on. Or monkey turning up at a zebra party. It was basically blighted from all angles. It had structural cracks, dysfunctional blinds and broken bogs. And those were just the minor issues. It took it's last cranky flight ten years later and was officially obsolete in 1984.
Who knows. If only they'd called it the Maxi Tunnel of Fun or the Cosmo Pod and added some parts from the Curvy Tubes Kit, perhaps things could have been different.
But we can't all be as successful as a Nottingham based hamster cage company, can we?
Snuffle-Crunch approves.
