Piston Power

Retrospective Breaking News: Father Christmas shuns sleigh for TWA! But his ale choice still remains unexplained...

If you're feeling somewhat despondent about Pan Am's sugary debut on BBC2 the other eve (I foolishly expected to see Christina Ricci play a snarly hostess version of Wednesday Addams or at the very least channel some gum-chewing give-a-shit Val from 200 Cigarettes) I suggest you turn your flying-eye to their Santa-approved rival, Trans World Airlines. What an endorsement.

And while the Christian/mythological/pagan present-giving patriarch might have his own airborne transportation, I can understand the need to let the reindeer lie fallow for a bit. And sleigh parking in Roma? Conspicuous at best.

TWA was Pan Am's competitor until the late seventies and was considered the American number two - until it also went bankrupt. As I have a prop compulsion this week, I've been digesting the twin joy of the Douglas and Lockheed planes, both pieces of 40s and 50s magic that began life in TWA's fleet. The two prop-liners were just as good as one another, but the Lockheed was miles better looking. Lockheed Constellations ('Connies') had three fabulous tail fins like precisely arranged wafer biscuits, a fat waspy body, a midnight daubed snout - and a name like a jazz band.

In actuality, all the fifties fleet had that inky-nosed cuteness as part of the livery. I don't know why it fell out of fashion, as I think it's a lovely visual. It's like a full-stop, signifying the end of the plane. Anything you see beyond that is something else. Like a horizon. A control tower. Or a bacon sandwich.

Here's the deal: TWA got the Lockheeds before anyone else thanks to their wealthy obsessive compulsive investor and aviation nut, Howard Hughes. The Lockheed was part designed by him as a plane to out-do the Boeing 307 Stratoliners and everyone said yes, because you don't say no to money, power and weirdness. It worked.

I should mention the DC 6 and 7 too, not my favourites, but the planes that sparked an unequivocal urge in John Travolta to get his fly-on. As they grumbled, moth-like over 1950s New York, he found them inspiring enough to pitch up at flying lessons and ultimately own a passenger jet (it's less clear what could have inspired him to make Look Who's Talking Too or adopt a religion created by a mediocre fantasy fiction writer, but that's for another blog.)

Blazing a (con)trail, TWA were the first liner to show an in-flight movie, proffering John Sturges' 'By Love Possessed,' to captive first class passengers in 1961. Sadly, everyone in economy missed out on Lana Turner being 'the year's most provocative woman,' and had to make do with reading the book or looking at their own hands.

I have the film on order. I have low expectations. It looks terrible. But I plan to endure it like a good passenger, while a patient friend re-creates TWA first class for me: intermittent settee rocking (turbulence) and scotch. I'll return the experience.

After a while, maligned like a knackered old greyhound, every prop plane has to bite the dust. By 1967 TWA was Totally Jet. On the seats of the fancy new planes, passengers found the awesome propaganda booklet, 'Props Are For Boats.' Given that most companies were going jet one by one anyway I can't see what purpose this would have served, aside from some self-congratulatory puff and a curious read for aviation geeks.

So to properly celebrate the winsome piston-engine age, I'm going to show you this engine failure clip. Stay with me. Active pilot and 1950s TV presenter Arthur Godfrey, was something of a David Letterman in his day. That is until he went shitty and fired loads of his colleagues (he also remarkably ended up with one lung. But the two are not connected.) Best known for variety and chat shows, he also happened to host a lesser known and diabolically clunky, advertorial-esque documentary promoting Eastern Air Lines. After knocking off the engines in a Lockheed Constellation one by one to show us safety, he then refers to his craft as a purring kitten. Cheesier than a wotsit and hammy as shit - it's completely wonderful.

If you're a total geek, check out the entire docu here. It's worth it alone for the weird 'hello' Arthur dispenses in the first 40 seconds, while creepily stroking some trophies. And if you're wondering who the chap is at the end of this clip, it's the commendably named Captain Stacy Chance, whose website tutorial helps countless flying-phobes.

So here's what I've learned:

Prop planes are beautiful.

Commercial flight won't turn you to the church of Scientology.

Arthur Godfrey was a bronchially-challenged diva.

And Wednesday Addams should definitely be an air steward...